Archive for 2010/10/22

Via: Newslite.tv – A recently conducted survery has revealed arguably the Top 50 jokes of all time. A joke about a male bus passenger insulting a woman’s ugly baby has been voted the funniest gag ever told. Researchers examined more than 1,000 jokes before whittling them down to a final 50 and getting 36,000 people to vote for their favourites. Comedy genius Tommy Cooper had by far the most jokes in the list, which also includes gags by Peter Kay and Lee Evans.

The study was carried out after Tim Vine’s joke “I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.” was voted the best of this year’s Edinburgh Fringe Festival. A spokesman for OnePoll, which carried out the research, said: “The majority of these jokes are clean and genuinely funny – but a lot are pretty subjective and what one person finds hilarious, someone else may not.

Obviously, a ranking for jokes is totally subjective and most people will disagree about what is funny and what isn’t. Whatever. Have a laugh…

Here is the Top 10. The full list is linked below.
1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ”Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ”The driver just insulted me!” The man says: ”You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

2. ”I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.”

3. ”Dyslexic man walks into a bra”

4. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ”Shut up…you’re next!”

5. A classic Tommy Cooper gag ”I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, ”How flexible are you?” I said, ”I can’t make Tuesdays”.

6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.

7. Two aerials meet on a roof – fall in love – get married. The ceremony was rubbish – but the reception was brilliant.

8. Another one was: Doc, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home’. He said: ‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome’. ‘Is it common?’I asked. ‘It’s not unusual’ he replied.

9. I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.

10. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ”Pint please, and one for the road.”

Chris Rock and Tracy Morgan perform “Scarborough Fair” at last night’s Night of Too Many Stars charity event, only to be interrupted by some dude called Paul Simon.