Archive for 2010/04/20

With the arrival of the KFC Double Down and The Bob Evans Sausage Gravy & Biscuit vending machine I’m starting to wonder if we have reached the apex of civilization. I just got home from watching Kick Ass at the movies. A film in which an 11yr old girl dressed as a superhero goes on violent killing sprees chopping, slicing and shooting bad guys with a vengeful glint in her eye, all in the name of Tarantinoesque superhero comedic action movie fun set to a pulsating rock soundtrack. I left with a smile only mildly weirded out from watching an 11yr old girl being beaten, kicked and bloodied by a drug lord four times her age. Most of us are completely desensitized to video game style ultra violence. It’s just a good time at the movies these days. Of course young kids are going to watch the 18-Rated Kick Ass as soon as it hits DVD and so what? It’s no different to games in their PS3 or Xbox.

All the while volcanic ash billows over Iceland grinding to a halt thousands of transatlantic flights and shutting down most of Europe’s airports. It would be over-dramatic to say Mother Nature may be sending us a message as experts predict we are heading for a more active phase of Icelandic eruptions over the next few decades. The Washington Post summed it up well, “The eruption in Iceland is not large as volcanoes go, but the cloud over Europe has shed light on the awkward overlay of human commerce and a hot, churning, unpredictable Earth. It raises the question of what governments can do to prepare for – and adapt to – wild-card geological events that not only affect airliners but can also alter the planet’s climate for years at a stretch?

Back to the fast food. As we know, Jamie Oliver is fighting the good fight with his Food Revolution and has to be commended for his bravery in the face of humanity’s true weakness: Greed served with fries. Juicy hot factory farmed cheap beef burgers and processed cheese. The production of which is responsible for an alarming percentage of global warming. Not to mention mass animal cruelty, contaminated water supplies, agricultural land devastation, etc etc etc…we know the facts, yet, still we go on eating it. Out of sight. Out of Mind.

KFC have proudly announced their new Double Down sandwich. In their words, “This one-of-a-kind sandwich features two thick and juicy boneless white meat chicken filets (Original Recipe® or Grilled), two pieces of bacon, two melted slices of Monterey Jack and pepper jack cheese and Colonel’s Sauce. This product is so meaty, there’s no room for a bun!”

The Bob Evans Sausage Gravy & Biscuit Machine. Step 1: Grab a Biscuit. Step 2: Top with sausage gravy. Cheap, quick and easy. Isn’t that what humanity is striving for?


It is no secret that pop music has always relied on formula to manufacture success. The 4 chord structure behind the vast majority of pop hits is testament to that. You can literally take the same 4 chords, repeat them ad nauseam and you will be able to play nearly every great pop song ever recorded. The Axis of Awesome are an Australian comedy trio who have proven the theory. Jordan Raskopoulos, a comedian, Benny Davis, a classically trained musician and Lee Naimo, an Iron Chef enthusiast, came together to form the group in 2006. Since that time they’ve been wowing audiences across the world with with their mixture of quirky original songs, catchy pop-parodies and hilarious banter. Brilliant!

There should be a category for least believable website on the internet. However, the Large Penis Support Group actually exists so the dongtastically blessed can have a place to share experiences and learn new ways to deal with their crippling, knee-bruising disability.

On the forums there are topics detailing things like what undies work best to tame the beast without choking it into unconsciousness and what to do if your scrotum doesn’t hang low enough.

There are lists questioning the inconveniences of having an over-sized wiener, such as “Are there certain clothes you can’t wear? (briefs, certain jeans, thongs, etc)” and “If you sit on the toilet, does it dunk in the water?” My God, they can dunk in the water? That’s disgusting for any number of reasons. Worse than the actual questions were the ensuing 475 replies. But shame, these poor dudes, never sure if women want them or their other attributes. Having trouble riding on buses or putting on swim shorts on a hot summer day and never knowing what it feels like to ride a bike. Being on the water polo team in high school must have been tough especially with all the other guys on the team, the ones who didn’t get caught in the undertow of your dick moving through the water, in the changing room suggesting that you do porn and looking at it lovingly. That’s not to say all water polo boys are gay but there does seem to be way too much time spent admiring themselves and those around them wearing speedos. Now we know why.

Anyway, I thought I’d bring this support group to your attention because I have been a member for years and they’ve finally helped me accept who I am.