I Love Bears! By Taylor Gibbons
What’s your favourite animal? Is your favourite animal the lion? Is your favourite animal the tiger? If it’s either of those, go to hell. You can also go to hell if it’s any other animal aside from the one I’m about to report to you as being the best, because it is: Bears. Bears is the best animal of all, and I don’t need science to prove it, because I have magic, but I also have science to prove it, the dopest science available, that comes straight from the honeycomb hideout. Bears have created the best music, the best wrestling holds, the best whiz beer t-shirts(I’m not going to bring this up later in the article so I’ll tell you now I’m talking about Bear Whiz Beer T-Shirts), and the best sleeping that exists on the planet earth. You might think it’s easy to go to sleep, but a bear can sleep your ass off. You have no idea how hard a bear sleeps. God, you just have no idea, just don’t even talk to me about it, God.
When bears were first created by God, even God wasn’t ready. You’ve probably wondered if God could create a sandwich so big even he couldn’t eat it. Well, that’s the kind of sandwich he was trying to make on the day he created bears, a bear sandwich, and it worked because the bear mauled him and God died and Nietzche wrote about it. The bear escaped into the annals of history, also the forest, running at a speed of thirty miles per hour. I already brought up how hard a bear sleeps and I got pretty broken up about it because I was jealous of them but I’ll relent here and describe it fully because bears sleep too amazingly hard for me to not extend them their full due. You probably sleep about eight hours a night, because you want to wake up in the morning. Guess what, bears sleep for two months, because bears never want to wake up. They don’t give a crap about life or you or anything. Their lives just go on for reasons too deep for you to possibly fathom. They’re the coolest animals in the world.
Bears aren’t all show either, they’ve got brains too. You remember how Yogi Bear was “Smarter than the average bear”, right? That was really saying something. He had men killed in laboratories. I don’t feel at all comfortable even thinking about him. The average bear is smarter than most humans, as bears are the smartest animals found in nature. This fact is verified by their consumption of a strict diet of sweet golden honey, nature’s best food, beating out even poisonous silver mercury for nutritive content. Honey saves for an unlimited period of time and can be consumed even after thousands of years of storage, which is why bears love to leave a huge coffee cup full of honey right next to their beds before they go to sleep for two months so when they get up they can chug the whole thing and face a new day of performing works of genius. Panthers tried this with milk and died from bacterial poisoning, but bears never did because they knew the first time around to use honey, because bears are so smart.
Bears are so smart that their inventions have been a constant boon to mankind since earliest days. Mankind’s favorite sport, wrestling, can be cited as being almost entirely a bear invention. Bears, like most geniuses, are natural pacifists, and in ancient times when humans used to try to run up on them to beat the tar out of them so they could steal their honey and drink it in front of their huge insane aggro bonfires, the typical bear response would be to simply throw them as hard as they could towards the sea, where the humans would usually land, due to the incredible power of bear arms. This maneuver was known as the bear throw. Sometimes these humans would return from the sea, seaweed wrapped fists spiked with shards of coral, still hungry for bear blood and now vengeance on bearkind as well, at which time what would usually happen is a bear would turn toward such an oncoming human, open it’s arms, and stonily embrace them in a vice-like grip. While slowly squeezing the human to death the bear would then whisper in bear, in a voice just barely audible above the sound of the human’s snapping bones and suffocated dying gasps, “I… ALWAYS… LOVED… YOU.”, a maneuver known as the bear hug, a variant of which is still used by modern wrestlers.
Teddy Roosevelt once said “If I could get close enough to a bear to hug one I would, but even armed with a gun I fear to. Someone construct for me a small bear doll to hug in the stead of that act,” a proclamation which incited the invention of the teddy bear. It was moved by this same spirit that I recently created a Youtube video of a montage of photos of bears set to the song “Kiss Me Through The Phone” by Soulja Boy Tell ‘Em, but even that wasn’t enough for me to express to bears how important they are to me, which is why I felt I had to write this article. Bears might live in caves, but on a deeper level, inside those caves, is where gold is, and that is what bears build their computers out of. If you are a bear and you are reading this article on your golden computer right now, know this: I love you.